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Deep Feeling in my Heart

As I sit here trying to figure out what is most in my heart at this moment, I am filled with an abundance of things of all extremes and am not sure where to begin.  In general, these past some months since entering into formation with the Salesians on August 24th have been filled with ups and downs of all sorts.  There have been so many tears cried as well as innumerable joys to follow.  Of course there have been some frustrations and hurts, just because one is aiming to be a sister does not mean that will disappear.  Just the same, since I feel God is calling me here, there are a great many joys to be celebrated as well.  That being said, I am overwhelmed with a great many things in my heart. 

I love the people of this house, but we are very different and it has been a learning experience in trying to live with them all.  People come and go from our lives as well.  This being spiritually, physically, mentally, any form.  This has happen to me throughout the year, in all these forms.  I am a person accustomed to change, so the adjustments were made in my life, and are still being made this day.  With these things though, I feel there are some things I could never explain to people about how I am and who I am.

I am not sure where I am going with this post but to reflect once again on how deeply I feel things and the gift that it is from God if used correctly.  Not many understand it, so for me it is hard when I need to talk.  I try to let all of my creative juices here.  I think I shall leave things at this, with the anticipation of the reflections that I have in my head to be posted soon.

Peace to you all, thanks for listening.

 
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Posted by on April 9, 2011 in Inner Reflection

 

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To Dance

Yesterday evening, I did some tap dancing in the gym on the stage with a companion of mine.  I am so beyond rusty!  Anyways, last night before Iwent to bed I wrote this poem.

To dance is to express

To express is to create

To create is to release

To release is to relax

To relax is to reflect

To reflect is to see

To see is to be open

To be open is to love

To love is to energize

To energize is to dance

 
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Posted by on February 3, 2011 in Creative Corner

 

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Reconciliation Plea: Come and Get Me

Before I reflect on something that I find wonderful, I was thinking about another thing.  Why do I put myself out there on the world wide web for all to see?  Why share, in the broad sense even, some of the things that most people keep to themselves?  It is not for my own good to gain greater glory from mankind (yes…mankind and not humankind, for I find that man does not have to relate directly to the male race) or to have people pity me, but rather to share with others my experiences in hope that they lead them to God in some way or another.  There are always lessons to be learned and some of them come from unexpectant places in unique ways.  That being said, I will now continue on to share to some extent a brilliant story.

God will choose when He will show Himself to me and when He will not.  This past Saturday at Catholic Underground left me more at ease within the struggles of my heart and soul fed to my mind.  After the evening prayer it goes into straight adoration with some music.  The group I was with all got up, one intending to move closer to Jesus and the other two heading for confessions before the line got long.  My plan was not to go, but I thought why not since everyone else was.  In the process, we decided someone should stay back with the stuff, then go.  I offered because I had not intended to participate in the Sacrament.  After some debate it was determined, although I was the one in the pew, that I would go and someone else would stay.

As I was walking around to get in line with another of the aspirants for confession, I could not help but wonder what I was doing and what in the world I would say.  Sure, there was something weighing on me that has been, but what would I say about it?  As it was closer to my turn, the two in front of me (one being my fellow aspirant) turned and asked if I would go because they were waiting for particular priests to be open.  I was not going to say no, so I went to the seemingly young priest that was waiting.  It went down something like this. 

I told him about the weight of the past and the effect it has on my relationships.  I mentioned how the closer I get to what I believe to be God’s call for me (which I could be wrong about or could change, you never know), the more I feel pulling away from where God may want me.  That is the general jist of what I walked about.  It is not much different than that of which I have shared with others or that many people knew already.  This is a summary of what I heard back in response, much of it things I have heard in other forms.

  • God has forgiven me for the things I have done in the past, all those sins.  I need to forgive myself for the stuff that has happened.
  • The closer I am to God, the more the devil will pull at me.
  • It is a beautiful thing that God wants me to be His bride.  With that comes the pull of the devil to take me from that.
  • God wants me here, now, as I am in the present.  He does not want me in the past.  He does not want me in the thoughts of the future.  He wants me right now as I am. 
  • The devil feeds on the past and on the anxieties of the future.  He will use that to get to me.  The devil will take those things that hurt and that I do not forgive myself for in order to bring me down.  I will end up in a snowball effect, exploding at the end if I let the devil dig into me.
  • Do everything for the love of God. 

Those are the base things that I was told in my confession, all things I have heard in some form in the past.  Upon receiving the blessing of absolution, the priest then asked if I would pray for him.  What an honor it is, or so that is how I felt when he asked me.

Once I reached my pew, I began to write as I do normally.  These are the lyrics that ended up on my paper.  It is entitled “Come and Get Me.” 

Jesus, come and get me

Pull me far away

From all temptation

Oh sweet Jesus, Savior

Come and get me

 

You have forgiven me

But it all stays still

Lead me, help me

To forgive myself

 

This sin is no more

My life has turned

With Your grace

I must forgive myself

 

Jesus, come and get me

Pull me far away

From all temptation

Oh sweet Jesus, Savior

Come and get me

 

You’ve given me life

Yet the devil attacks

Perseverance needed

I need Your strength

 

Help me to live

In the present now

Cast out the past

Look not ahead

 

Jesus, come and get me

Pull me far away

From all temptation

Oh sweet Jesus, Savior

Come and get me

 

This path I follow

I pray You call

Life consecrated

To Your will

 

Give me Your love

Let it flourish

That I may reflect

Purest Image of You

 

Jesus, come and get me

Pull me far away

From all temptation

Oh sweet Jesus, Savior

Come and get me



This is my prayer, that Jesus would come and get me where I am at right now.  For Him to take me as I am, with all the struggles as well, is the greatest gift ever.  I hope that I am able to take this experience and use it in my life.  There was a small metanoia; something changed within me that was ever so small, but big enough to move on with life.  God is amazing, isn’t He?

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2010 in Creative Corner, Inner Reflection

 

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A Goon full of Roses in the Arms of Christ

This post is one that has taken time and thought to explain what can never be explained fully.  Those who will understand the full capacity may be few, but could be more than I think.  There are some who have experienced this with me, and a couple who know me so well they can understand anything from me.  They may or may not have taken me forever to compose.  Either way, I hope this profoundly influences you or at least brings you to think a little harder about your faith.  (please note: pictures were found online, none of them are ones from what I am about to tell you).  This is a tad longer than my usual posting, but this one is extraordinary.

Since I have gotten here with the Salesians, something has most definitely felt right for this time being.  At the same time, though, there have been things trying to throw me off course and lead me astray.  On the eighth I was drawn to wanting to start the novena to Saint Therese.  Since my Pieta mentioned praying it the ninth to the seventeenth, I decided I would start that next day.  The novena was being said for clarity of my vocation and reassurance that this is indeed where I am supposed to be, at least for now anyways.  In case you did not know, Saint Therese promised to send a shower of roses upon the earth.  In saying the novena, she responds with a rose or some roses that come across your path.

 

Day one of the novena.  When I walked into the laundry room, there on the table with the clean clothes and some sewing machines was a bucket.  It was not just any ordinary round mop bucket with handle, but rather one that had a single huge rose sitting in it.  I stopped dead in my tracks.  Really, how could it be that a rose could already appear on the first day of this novena?!  I was most definitely beyond myself at this point.  When I started the novena, I had made the point to myself for this to be a private thing, but I could not help but share this with some of the other aspirants.

Day two of the novena.  I was not sure what to think after day one.  Part of me expected that what I had seen the day before was all that Saint Therese was going give me.  Then there was something I was not sure I could count.  We were watching the movie Adam.  In there, he had some roses he was bringing to give someone.  He stuck them in his coat to keep them safe (he never did, in the end, give the roses to her).  I was drawn to them, of course.

Day three of the novena.  We went to Stony Point to the Marian Shrine.  There was much to wander around and see while there.  To end our visit there, we went into the chapel that is there to pray our visit before heading back home.  In front of the altar was a beautiful, full, colorful bouquet of roses.  It surely made me smile. 

Day four of the novena.  So you know when you walk down one hallway and someone walks down the other hallway crossing your hallway, there is a limited amount of time that you actually could possibly pass each other.  So Sr. Colleen was walking with her mom one way from her office to her room and I was on the way to my room.  She happened to bring a huge bouquet of roses with her that her mom had brought here.  They ended up at the front dinner table that evening in celebration of someone’s birthday.

Day five of the novena.  By now I am starting to go a little more crazy and just not understanding completely what is really taking place.  At some point during the day, I walk into the aspirant community room and stop dead in my tracks, dropping my keys on the floor.  There sitting on one of the computer desks were some roses and some petals from them laying on the desk.  I just stood there semi shocked and semi not sure what was going on.  Halfway through at this point, I could really expect nothing.

Day six of the novena.  So the day is as normal and what not.  I went into Italian as usual with the sigh of here we go again, I really need another way to help me study here and I hope she does not ask me any hard things.  Partway through the class I notice on the table near the door, there was a vase with two roses in it.  I lean toward Megan and pointed them out.  We could not help but laugh.  There also were roses all over this YouTube video I watch, not to mention the ones for Sr. Kim’s birthday.  Mentioning all these incidences of the past days so far to Sr. Colleen, she asked me why I as saying the novena.  To my response she called me a good and reminded me of where I was found in the bathroom…the source of my vocation.

Day seven of the novena.  In the morning, I found out that God and Saint Therese have a wonderfully beautiful sense of humor.  My assistance in the morning is down in the locker room where the high schoolers are.  When everyone is kicked out to class, I go around locking the bathroom that is just outside the area, as well as turning lights off and locking the doors of the locker room.  When I went into the bathroom to turn the lights off and lock it, I found something.  There sitting on the floor so nicely in the middle of the bathroom was a single rose petal.  At that point, I really knew I was going crazy.  How in the world could this be was the question in my mind.

Day eight of the novena.  Not that I was already feeling like I was going crazy at this point, this day topped it off for sure.  It was our quarterly day retreat that was combined with the SDBs (our brothers of the Salesian Family).  I thought for sure there would have to be a chance of a rose here.  It was not that I was looking for one purposely, but rather that when you have received them thus far seven out of seven days, some part of you can not help but anticipate what is coming (yes, I know…participate don’t anticipate).  The first thing is that someone pointed out to me that there was a brother who was reading her book.  Sure, maybe it can count, but it is something that I had for the day.  The second thing came from when we were at mass.  Bear with me here.  I was looking at the huge Crucifix that hangs about altar.  From what I could tell, it was marble.  On the left side, the “cloth” wrapped around Jesus hangs out to the side.  There is a bigger piece kind of going downward and then a smaller one kind of straight-out/up a little.  That little part I kept seeing as a white rose.  I knew it was not as I have seen this chapel before and know it is just the “cloth.”  The thing is, I could not get out of my mind that it is a rose.  I was think many things, “am I crazy and just seeing what I think could be true,” “is this just what I want myself to see,” and “is this exactly what Saint Therese wants me to see.”  During consecration, I cried a tear or two when the host was held up, as well as when the cup was held up.  That is so unusual for me.  I ended the day not know what to think.

Day nine of novena.  This the last day, I was not sure what would happen after the prior day.  When I got up in the morning I knew I had to say the novena right away so that I could go through the day at ease.  I prayed that I just needed one more concrete sign, one more thing, that could really show me that this is now where God wants me.  I said that I know all these roses have been brought to my attention, but just one more will show me that I am supposed to be here, just one more.  This was my prayer because I am not sure how to comprehend what had happened the past days.  The day went on by and nothing.  On Sundays we have adoration in the community.  After the Exposition song, I moved over from where I was (as I was leading) into the main pews.  The first thing I saw was the one red rose in the new bouquet that was place in front of the altar below Jesus.  After prayers, I went and stood in front of the altar staring at that one rose.  There were others around, but all pink and ones that have been there.  Here it was, one red rose.

In that evening prayer of adoration that I just mentioned, I had picked a song that I love to use for exposition.  While this song has always meant something for me and I have always got something out of listening to it, the song hit me in such a different way.  This was, also, before I even noticed the rose.  Take a listen and you may understand why I am so drawn to it and that it hit me is such a strong way.

So, this the days of my novena.  Being that it is now past the last day of the novena, I have had some time to reflect on what has happen. For now, I will let you mull this over.  Keep an eye out for a post about what has come to follow.  This has been something hard for me to comprehend and to explain.  The words I gave you here can not possibly justify what I feel inside with all of this.  Be inspired.  Remember that you are loved and God is watching over you always, ready to protect you.  Peace.

 
 

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Reflection Time

I am on a journey.  No, I don’t know where I will end up.  Yeah, I know where I am now.  Do I believe that God is guiding me in all the steps I take in life?  Of course I do.  Are there hard times and periods of difficulty with questions of possible doubt?  Sadly, yes.  We are a human people who are are affected by the evil in the world.  When thinking about entering formation (God-willing), things have come to mind that I will have to let go of.  Of course that is going to be hard!  It doesn’t mean I not ready, or that I am not suited for the life.  It means that I am human, a deep thinker, and just trying to figure things out.  Aren’t we all trying to figure things out?

On of my favorite things to do is to take bible verses and see where they inspire me to go.  My range of verses that I know off the top of my head is small, but when I come across one, I like to look at it and see where it takes me.  Sometimes I reflect on it literally.  Other times it causes me to think a little deeper into myself.  I am going to bring up a couple of my favorites that I use often as I love going back and seeing what new places they take me.  Translations do vary, sure.  When we translate many things in the world, not just bible stuff, various responses do come up.  Each leads us to think about our life in a deeper way, or so we hope!  I found to be a progression in the verses, with my life, that I thought interesting.

“When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13

Seek with all your heart!  Let it all go and seek him!  This, as I have mention many a post ago, was the verse for my TEC retreat.  It is amazing how we think we are putting everything we have into search for the Lord and what he has planned for us.  That was the case for me.  I thought that I was putting everything of me into searching.  This past year, it hit me that I really wasn’t.  I feel that after that moment, I have changed to put myself more fully into the search of God and his plan.  The search is constant, it never stops!  Of course I stray here and there, who can honestly say they never have?  My goal here is to never hold back from the Lord and put my all into the search.

“Do not be afraid” Luke 1:30

Did you know that of all the commands to people that Jesus gave, to not be afraid is the most common one by a long shot?  I do not have my book off hand, but this is the thing that struck me the most.  We are a people afraid, and always have been.  We don’t know what is going to happen.  We don’t know where God will reach us.  We don’t know if we will be ready.  We don’t know a lot of things.  The thing is, God does.  He knows what will happen, where he wants to reach us, and he will make sure we are ready.  We may slow the process down if we are not putting all our heart into the whole search!  As hard as it may be, especially at first, we must not be afraid.  We are taken care of when we trust and let our heart be God’s.

“O Lord, You have seduced me, and I have let myself be seduced.  Your word in my heart is like a consuming fire burning deep within my bones.” Jeremiah 20:7

When I first saw this verse, I was excited.  It puts into words some of what I feel when I get all excited about religious life.  We want the Lord to be in us.  We want to take that feeling of the Lord in us and share that with everyone.  To really know the Lord is wanting to know him more.  We can do that by putting are whole heart into the search, giving it to God.  Oh how afraid we are to let loose and let God take us where He wills!  When you figure something out and are drawn to it, you know it.

Like I have said, you may not know where you will go after the first move, but taking that first move is so vital.  If you go and try something that you think God wants you to do then am not filled with joy, God may change his mind or you need to look a little deeper.  There are lessons in every part of life.  For me, I am taking the step to enter formation.  From there, I hope I found the right path.  I could be a Salesian Sister!  If it is not right, God will tell me.  He may want me to experience it so I know what it is like, but then guide me elsewhere.  I just pray that I always search with all my heart, am not afraid, and will let the Lord burn deep in my bones!

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2010 in Inner Reflection

 

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