Here is a video that I think all of you should see! It puts such hope and yearning in one’s soul, among other things as well!
Here is a video that I think all of you should see! It puts such hope and yearning in one’s soul, among other things as well!
Tuesday night I had wanted to go swimming, but I guess that God had another plan for me. He sent lightning and thunder to put an end to that idea. Instead, I went to the chapel with my guitar for just under an hour and a half (though I did not realize that I was in there that long). In the end of it, I wrote a second song. I guess one could say I have a collection now. Here are the words; I am still practicing the melody and chords (as well as the first one I wrote). Please enjoy and reflect on them, just don’t take them away from me.
Many times I run from you, but in the end I run back
Peace is what I long for, in your arms I know it’s there
Hold me close to you, in your loving embrace
And it’s you whose calling me, to follow you
And it’s me who has to answer you, saying I’ll come
The road is not easy, many challenges I will face
Others may come along, to try and lead me astray
I will hold fast to you, listening for your voice
Cause it’s you whose calling me, to follow you
And it’s me who is answering me you, here I come
No matter what’s in front of me, I will turn to you
You have brought me this far, so why would I leave
I give you my whole life, to love and protect
For you have called me, to follow you
And I have answered you, here I am
Here I am, here I am
Hold me close, hold me close
Last night Ana and I had the best of laughs singing and playing guitar. I was trying to practice my song, which I have been doing over and over and most likely driving some people crazy. She was doing stuff on the computer and then decided to mess with me by playing as well. Between the crashing chords, “In the Jungle,” and all other crazy wild singing, we were laughing none stop! I was so happy and excited about my song and I was enjoying time with a companion. What could be better?
It is nights like those and moments like those that keep me on track with God’s plan for me. It’s those things that I hold onto when the times are harder with everything that goes on around the house. It is the laughter that comes by the gallons that I spread across my life of love of God. You should try it sometime.
Having arrived back to New Jersey, I find that I am overwhelmed with so many things. Yet in my appearance, not many would even know so. Maybe this could be due to the way I am dealing with those things that do overwhelm me in some way, shape, or form. I am certainly most excited to be back here, there is no doubt about that. One of the girls asked me today, ” why are you smiling all the time?” Of course I responded with, “Why not?” It was not enough of an answer and I knew it, but I wanted to see what she would come up with next for me. “But really?” To that I did respond, “Because I am where I am supposed to be and I am happy.” It rolled right off my tonge and it felt good to say that.
That statement is such a relief in many ways, even though I am not sure how long before I will need another relief. Many things are sitting in me. There is tension, worry, fear, frustration. The thing to remember and work on is handing it all over. I may not see eye to eye with those I live with. I may be fighting a losing battle trying to make amends. I may do things in a different way and not always be understood. I may have a lot of other things like that in my life as well, but who is to say that I should let it get in my way. I see a lot of walls, hurdles, fences, pools, trees, wild animals, and so much more in my path that I travel. That cannot stop me from what I am striving to do, which is whatever God has willed for me in this life on earth. Yes, I am scared out of my mind sometimes and so very unsure when something gets in my way. What is key is placing it before the Father, the Son, the Spirit, Mary, and all the saints to whom I may implore.
I thought this year was tough, but next year may be just as tough for me. Formation is not supposed to be easy, it challenges a person and pushes them to fulfill something greater in them. The feeling of that greatness is in me, I can feel it. Getting there is so hard and there are many doubts along the way. Is this the right path? If so, why all these unneeded difficulties? I am here to discern through God’s will for me. Friends are good to make along the way, but sisters are what we really gain. This is a lesson I have learned a lot this past year. Friendships that blossom and friendships that fade away. Sisters though, are there no matter what. Whether they are the best friends of sisters or the ones that never talk, they are sisters and they are there just the same. Have I learned more? Yes, sure I have. Do I see myself very different from the rest? Yes, of course so. This is tough, this life is not easy but it is joyful. By golly, it makes me smile all the time even amidst the struggles.
So yes, I am excited to be back. It is not without its pains and fear, frustrations and trials. Even so, you will find that I am often joyful at this call though it all. You can’t hesitate at what you know is God’s will for you, even if you don’t think you can handle it.
So why then, in the end of it all, am I smiling all the time like an idiot? God must have me right where He wants me in life and I am enjoying as much of it as I can!
Mary, help me. Father, protect me. Jesus, transform me. Spirit, move me.
As usual I woke up this morning and showered, went to mass, and came back to change into sweats. It was a pleasant morning, especially with the addition of adoration this morning. As time went by, I decided that I wanted to eat lunch. Dad suggested that we go out to eat for lunch. Here is where the interesting part came in.
I went downstairs to change into something other than scrubs. All that I have been wearing outside of my uniform and pajamas has been shorts and a basic tee-shirt you get with anything you are involved with. I thought maybe, even though we just went to a malt shop, I would not look like a high school kid or a college student. (If you don’t know it, we are under no obligation to wear our uniform as aspirants going for a home visit) In my closest hangs some of the skirts I love to wear. I could pair them with a cute shirt, or one of my tee-shirts. Then, I got confused and wondered if maybe I should just stick with the shorts and tee-shirt. In the end, it was my jean shorts as usual and my green Don Bosco shirt.
Does this mean anything in my discernment process? Most likely not. It may just be the tricks I play on myself. I could view it as a good thing that I was able to feel the weirdness of wearing something nicer, being used to wearing a uniform. I am okay wearing normal clothes while home.
So why is this something I feel like sharing. I have been trying to really imagine my life in a habit. The path I feel God is calling me on right now means wearing a habit for the rest of my life. It is very interesting to try to picture oneself and what you would be wearing in the future. That really shouldn’t be something to worry about. In the end, if we are doing what God wants us to do, then what else matters?
It is the blessings that one must remember throughout all the difficult times. Those are what will hold you together when something comes your way that you are not really sure you will be able to handle.
One of the more recent blessings in my life has been the chance to go back to Cape May Point to Mary’s House with Jen. It had been a while since we were able to hang out with each other…fooling around, playing games, praying, talking, and all that awesome stuff. Jen and I got pretty close over the year with some of our similarities. God granted us a chance to hang out and enjoy each others’ company.
Last night I got to walk around Centennial Lakes with Nicole. We had been trying to talk and catch up for the past couple weeks or so, since she tried to get a hold of me. It is amazing how the distance between us never changes how close we are and how much we trust each other. She is someone I will never lose in my life.
Blessings, I could go through a whole list of them. All my friends that helped me through those hard times and continue to help me now with my struggles. They are the biggest blessings. There are so many moments that God has given me to help me on my way.
So why am I afraid? What is missing within me that makes my journey a little harder than some people who I know? Will it make me all the stronger in then end? Do the difficulties and struggles mean I am not worthy enough to do this great work for God that I am aiming for? No. It means there is something different and unique about me. It means I need to remember even more those blessings in my life. God has a plan in my life, and I will follow it to the best of my abilities.
The words to express are few and only these
I am not even sure I can fall to my knees
Instead I might crumble to the cold hard floor
But I will dare not walk out that convent door
God wants me here, I feel it deep in my heart
This love of kids and this life, I cannot part
How can it be that this is what God does intend
And I am left with these hard things to fend
There is no way my being here is a mistake
My genuineness to follow this call is not fake
So what do I do, how do I continue this journey
Not losing the call within or falling far from Thee
If others get in my way or from You distract
Please don’t let me lose my mind and pack
God’s plan I am determined to fully follow
To not let my faith in Him run out hollow
So as I crumble to the hard floor in tears
Know that I am just fighting through the fears
It is harder than one may outwardly perceive
I just hope from this life graces I do receive
Thank you God for the gifts to me given
For You I keep trying to live to get to heaven
Today was a day of a few good things. For me, this was great since the last week has been a little harder. Mass this morning was a success. We had the little aspirant band plus a sister. My musical fellow companion has really got me to enjoy playing at mass again. We work real well together. I always wonder if she knows how much I look up to her; also how much I want to make sure she is alright and like to take care of her if she needs anything. Needless to say, mass was wonderful and she is amazing.
We had a half day silent retreat today. What that means for us is going about the afternoon how we choose, but in silence. I started my bit, after we all prayed the visit together, with a walk. I wandered my way up to the cemetery, where I love to go to just be, think, ponder, reflect, and such things. I sat on the ground at the foot of the cross part of the graves in the wall. Leaning against the wall, it was an interesting feeling to know that the bodies of many sisters lay behind me in there, as well as in the ground in front of me on either side of the little path. As I was journaling, this is the poem that came to me.
Past Sisters at my Side
Among past sisters I sit
Praying the best I have
For much wisdom lays here
In this holy ground forgotten
Maybe they will hear my cry
The tears shed in this place
In comfort myself let loose
To those who will to me listen
So I come here and pray
That they are with my Lord
Enjoying paradise in heaven
Laughing, talking with Jesus
I ask always for intercession
To guard and protect this soul
Throughout each and every day
For they too, have their stories
Perhaps just like my very own
That they may understand
Sitting with them here, now
I pray they see who I am
That they may help me to see
To become that special person
In their comfort I do give
All of myself to God’s will
As I leave their resting place
I pray they are at my side
It was very good to be up there in the cemetery. When I got back down, I curled up in another aspirant’s really comfy and warm blanket until adoration.
At adoration tonight, I got to do the exposition and reposition, as I had written about yesterday when I learned how to do it. There was something different I felt in me, even though most of me felt the same. It was what I needed at this time and I could not have asked for better timing to be asked to do it tonight. Thank you Jesus for giving me the chance to share you with this community.
*This in a reflection I completed about a month ago and findly got typed up. I know there may be flaws in my logic and that this is not the final end all be all. It is just some thoughts I had for a couple of days jotted down on paper. Take them as you will, reflect on them, disagree if you so choose, but by all means please comment if you have anything to say!*
Do you know that you are deeply and profoundly loved by God? Do you know that He has great and marvelous plans for you? So many people go through life not knowing that they are loved. Even deeper, they do not feel this love in their entire being. Why do you not know and feel this deep profound love? We need to know from others that we are blessed, that we are loved, and that we mean something to someone. There are, of course, many aspects to whether or not we feel loved deeply and profoundly.
Let’s take this example. I once heard a story about a man who was coming back from hunting. He had succeeded in coming back with two wild turkeys. On the way home he happened across a boy who was struck with hunger. The man sees this and sets both turkeys on the ground, backing away, so that the boy can come and take them. The boy refuses to take them and stands there waiting. After some time, the man goes and gives the turkeys to the boy.
What do you see in this story? Is there anything that strikes you? The boy did not want to take, but rather was waiting to receive from another. I find in my observations on the world, that so many are not giving love, are not giving blessings, are not giving thanks, and such things to people around them. This forces people to search for love, as well as acceptance, in places that will not fulfill them. The take what they can, leaving no interaction with anyone and no interaction with God. Love can not come from taking and not being given the particular something.
So then, what is the foundation of how we feel deep profound love? When we give or receive genuinely, there is an act of love occurring. This comes in many forms that vary from the tangible things that become a sacramental (This is different from a Sacrament. I speak of a sacramental as something tangible that leads to the transcendent, that which is a reminder of something greater and reaches to the heart and soul.) to us for the reason of love, all the way to something unseen but felt in the process of giving and receiving. In both giving and receiving with a genuine spirit, we see the result as love.
How does receiving and from another lead for people to feel deep profound love? When we receive a gift given with genuineness, then we know that someone cares enough to think of us. When we receive a compliment, we know that someone is aware that we are there, existing in the world. When we receive thanks, we feel that we are useful in some way. With that though, it must be noted that we may not always receive thanks how we could expect it to come. (This is a tope for another day.) When we receive a hug, a smile, a greeting, an acknowledgement, and so on…we receive love. The list could go one forever. It all seems simply common so much that we should know we are loved by God and others always. Why then, do we not feel deep profound love?
Giving, just as much as receiving, is a source of cultivating genuine love. Another perception I have come across in my observations is that many expect to receive such things that give them deep profound love, but people are not will to give to others as well as being on that receiving end. When we give, we are contributing to the greater good. Being a part of giving love allows us to share in that love as well. This giving comes in the same forms as the receiving, only we then move to the flip side of things. The result of the feeling of love is the same, if not greater.
The acts of giving and receiving gifts, compliments, thanks, hugs, smiles, greetings, acknowledgement, and such related things creates a community of deep profound love. Now really, how can that love be deep and profound? We have to do and be aware of these things within the realm of the love of God who created us. God lives in each of us. Therefore, we need to give to everyone as if is God’s love. We need to receive as if God is giving to us. Every moment of each day God is with us and in our surroundings and in the people around us as well.
There are great and marvelous plans for each of us! We are deeply and profoundly love by God! Sure, there are other ways to for love to come to us than what I have spoken about. This is just the beginning. There days people so not give or receive as they should. A certain respect level has dropped. I find this an increasing reason people don’t feel loved. Even when we are met with hostile responses, the love must still be spread. Act with the love of God; someone’s life will be changed, quite possibly your own.