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The Words I Can Say: Open Your Eyes

Where are the words I need to say

To explain myself the right way

So that people may begin to see

Maybe understand come of me

Let me please just apologize

You don’t see it in my eyes

I don’t learn just like you

I’m different in what I do

Please let me speak and explain

Don’t cause me any more pain

My words are not empty, wrong

They are true to my life-song

You need to open those eyes, for

If you did you could see more

There are some things that provoked this poem that I wrote this morning.  It still amazings me teh lack of awareness and such there is in the world, even admist us all.

I was confronted again by a fellow aspirant about how I should be studying and was basically being told I was not trying hard enough.  It was implied that I have not tested different ways of lerning things.  She proceeded to tell me this story of a young girl who had thie tragic story and all.  I was being told if she could do it a certain way, so could I.  It was frustrating and she would not let the topic drop.  I finally told her to stop because she is not helping in anyway at all.  There is no way she could understand, esspecially with the lenses she is looking through.

Another of the aspirants is not letting me apologize for the things I do need to apologize.  It is frustrating to me because then how do I know that she is really hearing me out?  There are things I need to explain and tell her.  As well, I am not sure if she is aware that we are all trying to go through and make the most of our formation and spending time with Jesus.  Sometimes I am afraid she thinks she is the only one.  Yes, we can all fall to that, but for me, I know that we are all in the same boat.  In that sense, it is hard when someone tried to distance themselves so she can stay focused on what is important.  The community is just as important.

Those are my rants.

 
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Posted by on January 11, 2011 in Creative Corner

 

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Jesus, My Everything

During prayer one time, yesterday if I am not mistaking, the prayer leader picked a song that fit how I was feeling at that moment.  It is called “Jesus, My Everything” by Matt Maher.

With all the struggles that come with being in a place of formation with a group of other women, it is so easy to get distracted form what really brought us here and what really keeps us here in this place.  We all our longing for our purpose and place in being here.  The trouble lies that when we are all looking for the our place, we clash and runinto each other, making our purpose fall away.  We struggle because we don’t know what God could even have planned for us in this world.  In that sturggle then with the losing track of where we are, we fall hard and sometimes end up in temptation of sin, big or small.  The prayer is to let this all pass so that we can be truly a disciple with nothing standing in the way.

For me it is a constant battle, as it always has been.  The type of fighting has just varied as time has gone on.  There has not been one day that I have not found myself frustrated with something.  With that it is hard to remember why I am here.  It is in prayer that I try to bring my self back by laying it all down at Jesus’ feet and praying that I may follow Him more closely each day.  That being said, I now what to share a quote I found on another person’s blog.

“Vocation does not come from wilfulness. It comes from listening. I must listen to my life and try to understand what it is truly about—quite apart from what I would like it to be about—or my life will never represent anything real in the world, no matter how earnest my intentions…. Vocation does not mean a goal that I pursue. It means a calling that I hear”.

Herbert Alphonso, SJ

Listening, something that I have talked about before.  We need to listen to each other, listen deep within our hearts, listen to what God in the Trinity is saying, and just plain old listen to whatever there is to hear that could help up in our journeys and to lessen conflict.  It is amazing what we realize when we listen.  Things talked about in the song could be non-existent with the help of listening. 

In the end, don’t forget to pray.  Let Jesus be your everything and listen with your whole heart and mind to Him.  That is the reason I am where I am today.  Peace.

 
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Posted by on September 22, 2010 in Inner Reflection, Inspirational Music

 

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Fear and Trust

In my last post, I forgot one distinctly thought-provoking quote from the book I have been reading that really stuck out to me, so here it is.

Fear is useless; what is needed is trust.

Sound familiar at all?  Well, to all of those in formation together or someone who has heard from me already, it is very similar to the moto us aspirants came up with.  “Trust don’t overthink!”  Back to the quote at hand though.  We are a people who lives in constant fear.  Though it may not be shown outwardly, all live in internally.  What is fear but an entrance into ourselves for Satan?  Living in fear has gotten people no where but in a state of unsurity which can drive them to dark places.  That is not what God wants of us!  Fear takes us far from the ultimate goal in heaven, via Jesus Christ who died for us. 

So if fear is useless to us, then what is to replace that fear we constantly live in?  We need to trust.  With trust we can do so much more.  Trusting in God shows Him that we believe He knows what He is doing.  Trust means we will give ourselves over to God’s will for us in life.  What better place to be than in His loving arms through all of life so that we may join His son, Jesus Christ, in heaven.  Yes, trust is hard to accomplish, but it is so important.  Just trust in God and He will provide.

 
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Posted by on September 14, 2010 in Inner Reflection

 

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“Why would you do that?”

Many times they ask us, “Why would you do that, give up your life for this?”  They say give up your life refering to having a family and a well paying job.  People also make the event of entering something of this big deal and way out of the ordinary.  There is an unsaid ackwardness that comes, too, from mentioning you aspire to be a vowed religious.  People like me can be set apart.

Am I really giving up the things of life?  Absolutely not! I do not see this as others tend to see things.  This choice to enter the formation program with the Salesians is just the next step on my journey to Christ.  Sure it is a huge life change, but isn’t marriage the same way?  Nothing feel different about my life and in all reality it should not.  We will continue to learn things about ourselves and others, but our life is not drastically different.  It is the choices we make with the life that we have and how we want to live it.

So why am I here doing this.  It landed in my heart via some odd experiences and turn of events.  It just seemed where I should head even with all the struggles in my life.  I really am not completely sure why I have ended up here but I am trusting as best as I can that this is right.  All we can do is pray and live each day as if it is the last one, knowing that God loves you.

 

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2010 in Inner Reflection

 

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Ponders and Poems

The other day when we were waiting around at the uniform store for our stuff to come out so we could try it on, I swiped someone’s I-something and played with it.  One of my favorite things is to leave random notes on the notes section.  This is what ended up coming out of that little moment.

Here we are eight strong

With the Salesians we belong

Laughter fills the air

Many people who care

This group we will bond

Sister of which we are fond

A life of service to live

To God ourselves do give

So in prayer and joy we go

Our gifts to the world sow

These eight excited we be

Trust don’t overthink you’ll see

As many of you know, poems are a huge way for me to show what is indies of me or portray life in general to others, so now that this time of formation has begun, you shall see more of them!

Like I may have mentioned before, the group has chosen a moto to follow us through formation and our lives.  It has landed at “trust, don’t overthink.”  For me, that is especially interesting since I am a deep thinker and most definitely a deep feeler.  There are a lot of things in my life I am not happy about, but many of them I come to resolve and lay to rest so that I move on.  Only a few remain.  The thing is if I let them get to my head too much without the trust and prayer that thing will be as they should, then I would begin to doubt.  So I just ask prayer in that, as well as prayers for the words to say in the situations I need to say them. 

Oh the sisters.  I absolutely love them here.  The group of the eight of us are amazing.  We are starting to see a little more of who each person is.  A struggle I could see us having is catering to each person’s learning style and way of doing things.  While yes, we have bonded and love being together, there is still much to learn from each person and their lives.  Finding a balance in this community, of us aspirants and with the sisters, is so key to living together in this amazing life.  This morning in our “conference” with Sr. Kim, community is something she emphasized is very important in the Salesian community.  Also that we can lean on each other and trust each other.  She mentioned that through-out our time together, we will start to know each others’ lives, histories, dark sides, good sides, and much more (not exactly in those terms of course).  While my favorite community to be in is my TEC Family, I am really starting to grow fond of this one too.  When in this community I feel happy, like everything is perfect and grand.

Of course, it was mentioned that this time of formation is also a time for ourselves, to really discern and lean about who we are.  Individually, I show a different side of me.  The side that struggles with certain aspects in the life I have.  Something I have to keep reminding myself of is that we have times in our lives that we are vulnerable.  It those moments, it is okay to lean on others for support.  That is the beauty of community!

There of course, is so much more to say.  For now, just know that I am happy here and am enjoying life.  I have amazing people to support me (note to a couple of you: even one who makes me drink water…you know who you are).  Send prayers, send mail.  Contact me by ways you know how to in order to get the address, I don’t want to just post it.  Peace and Love! 

 
 

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Fearless: Reflections of Life

I want to share a song that was another TEC theme song, this one for HV 61.  It kind of popped up in my radar of listening to music, so I decided to share!  This is the official video for “Fearless” by Building 429.

No I don’t understand
And I can’t comprehend
This power that draws me to you
But I know for the cross
I’ll consider it all lost
In an effort to tell of the truth

That the world may know
That the world may know
You have been heaven sent to us

(Chorus)
I’ll be fearless for You
I’ll be fearless for You
Take me I’m Yours
I’ll be fearless for You

All the times that I’ve failed
When my doubt has prevailed
These are the moments I’m giving to you
Cause I can’t be ashamed
No I can’t fear the pain
When it comes time to be living proof

So the world may see
That the captives are free
‘Cause you have been heaven sent to us

(Chorus)

Unwilling to bend
Unwilling to break
And Headstrong I’ll stand
No matter what it takes

(Chorus)

Fearless.  How is it that we can become fearless for God and all that He wants for us?  As I try to prepare myself for entering formation, I again am brought to think, and think lots.  Perhaps I ponder more than I should but it is how I am.  As the time draws near for me to leave, my heart pounds more and more with the desires that it holds.  That leads me to wonder if we can ever have everything that heart desires?  If we follow God and His plan for us, then won’t we have everything we need?  Deciphering what I am to do in this life I have here is a task that is difficult to complete.  In my life I have so called “failed” many times.  Be that in school, my health, or standing for who I am.  Looking back on my life, I need to be able to give those failed moments to God and pray that they leave me with but the lessons that I have learned.

So being proof to the world of God’s love for us.  How am I really supposed to be doing this in my life?  In recent one would say of me, entering formation with the Salesians Sisters in hopes of becoming one of them, a Daughter of Mary Help of Christians (FMA – the formal name/abbreviation).  When I first discovered this new found possibility, I was so ecstatic and excited more than most things I have ever felt in my life.  Religious life, living for God, ministering to the youth, the chance of doing retreats, and still staying connected to those I consider my family.  The thing is, is it what I really feel in my heart as the place I can be who I am supposed to be.  I know I am called to something greater and better but I can not tell if this is it or not.  Could this just be that I am waiting for some feeling that I want to have that tells me clear as day the path I am to choose?  Surely in my life does not give me clear answers, but rather has God meeting me in places such as the the 11th page of a Google search or the bathroom at a huge Catholic youth conference.  The consensus against many people, including myself, is that I just need to go into this and see what happens and what God tells me about this time I will be in formation, however long that is.

I can never understand what draws me to where I have been and where I go, the good and the bad.  I can only hope that the good things that God calls me too I will realize and step into with complete faith.  There are many things in my life that mean the world to me as well as are things that my life would be incomplete without.  How do I hold onto them?  I need to make sure I am balanced, unwilling to bend or break from the things that make me who I am.

So how do we go into the world demanding so much and following the one who made us?  “Do not be afraid” (Luke 1:30) of what is out there.  I need to be who I am and trust that God will show me His ways for me.  Community is a important part of me life, so I ask you all to pray for me as I pray for you (especially my TEC family and closest of friends).  With me, let’s strive to become one thing for God.  Fearless.

 
 

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My Heart’s Desires

Was it God’s plan to place my heart in a couple places

To have me feel deeply connected to all so strong

Never knowing if in all my body to place with the heart

Praying God has planned for all always in this life

After this past TEC weekend, I have been given a lot more things to think about and came across many realizations or re-realizations about myself.  My heart lays in more than one place. How can I take them all with me in my life actively?

One of which is the TEC program, especially at Riverbend TEC.  The RB TEC people are my family, a family that I cherish very much.  This retreat program has been so huge in my getting to where I am at.  It was even a part of the conversation that initially led me to go see the booth for the Salesians at NCYC.  Hearing from the vocations director, Sr. C., that she thinks is could still be a part of mlife as I go on is some comfort.  I do have to talk to the provincial about it, but at least there is some hope.  If it can not be in my life, I am not sure what I would do.  It sounds like me putting conditions on God’s plan, but it is honestly vital to my faith life, the experiences had.  I can not even being to explain the passion and love I feel when I am working a TEC retreat.

Another thing that I have felt particularly strong about is going through a retreat to have a training on being a Christian Clown.  There is a weekend that some people do that take us through how to do the make-up, selecting a name and a look (face and outfit).  This is something I have been really drawn too, but there has not been a chance for me to make a weekend yet.  I am hoping that I can do it the next time they have it!  For some reason is just intrigues me and I want so much to be a part of the community of people who do it!

I spent ten months in the most southern tip of New Jersey at a retreat center, lovingly called Mary’s House.  There is no way that I can never go back to the place!  I really hope that I get the chance to make it back a a place that has really helped to form me this past year.  It is hard, no doubt.

Then of course there is the upcoming entrance (18 Days!) into formation with the Salesians.  God was very funny in how He got me to this point, that is for sure.  I am really excited to enter, but as well very nervous.  There are the constant questions of whether or not I am making the right choice.  I really just need to go and see what happens and how I feel about being there.  It is a larger group, so we will see too how I handle that.  I do better in smaller groups, but maybe this is a lesson for me to learn.  It is not like I have never been in a larger group, but it can be uncomfortable sometimes for me.  The Salesians are wonderful from what I have seen thus far, and I get the chance to work with youth.  Hopefully as time goes on and if I stay, I will have the chance ot work in retreat work, a huge passion of mine and what I love most in life a lot of times (aside from those close friends).

My heart is many places, including with a couple of my really close friends, and I need to balance it.  Did God mean for me to have my heart in so many places?  AM I suppose to let go of somethings?  If so, what things do I let go of and what means the most to me?  I keep praying that I will be able to be involved in all of these things as they are really where I am supposed to keep my heart.

Into God’s hands I must give my heart’s desires

To be left in hope that all will actively live in me

These communities that have become my family

Ones that I pray God keeps me in for my whole life

 
 

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