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Thought of this Morning

“Vows are voluntary nails I drive into my own flesh.” – Mother Angela Vespa

This is just somehting I have heard a few times in the past month and have been reflecting upon a little as I move forward in formation.  This life is not without its suffering, but it is also not without its joys. 

 
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Posted by on October 31, 2011 in Inner Reflection, Living Salesian

 

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Eastern Aspirants 2011

This video was made of the new aspirants that came in this year in the east, in combination with a couple old ones.  Can’t say that I am not jealous of the end bit.

 
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Posted by on September 5, 2011 in Living Salesian, Videos

 

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Mass to Cemetary to Adoration

Today was a day of a few good things.  For me, this was great since the last week has been a little harder.  Mass this morning was a success.  We had the little aspirant band plus a sister.  My musical fellow companion has really got me to enjoy playing at mass again.  We work real well together.  I always wonder if she knows how much I look up to her; also how much I want to make sure she is alright and like to take care of her if she needs anything.  Needless to say, mass was wonderful and she is amazing.

We had a half day silent retreat today.  What that means for us is going about the afternoon how we choose, but in silence.  I started my bit, after we all prayed the visit together, with a walk.  I wandered my way up to the cemetery, where I love to go to just be, think, ponder, reflect, and such things.  I sat on the ground at the foot of the cross part of the graves in the wall.  Leaning against the wall, it was an interesting feeling to know that the bodies of many sisters lay behind me in there, as well as in the ground in front of me on either side of the little path.  As I was journaling, this is the poem that came to me.

Past Sisters at my Side

Among past sisters I sit

Praying the best I have

For much wisdom lays here

In this holy ground forgotten

Maybe they will hear my cry

The tears shed in this place

In comfort myself let loose

To those who will to me listen

So I come here and pray

That they are with my Lord

Enjoying paradise in heaven

Laughing, talking with Jesus

I ask always for intercession

To guard and protect this soul

Throughout each and every day

For they too, have their stories

Perhaps just like my very own

That they may understand

Sitting with them here, now

I pray they see who I am

That they may help me to see

To become that special person

In their comfort I do give

All of myself to God’s will

As I leave their resting place

I pray they are at my side

It was very good to be up there in the cemetery.  When I got back down, I curled up in another aspirant’s really comfy and warm blanket until adoration.

At adoration tonight, I got to do the exposition and reposition, as I had written about yesterday when I learned how to do it.  There was something different I felt in me, even though most of me felt the same.  It was what I needed at this time and I could not have asked for better timing to be asked to do it tonight.  Thank you Jesus for giving me the chance to share you with this community.

 

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Trust and Turn

Who do I trust

Where do I turn

It is complicated

Somehow simple

The heart full

It says so much

Same sounding

These become

Talking of this

My life on earth

So multilayered

Joy with the FMA

Past struggles

Both coexist now

So then what

Find the right one

Someone nearby

To listen to me

That I can trust

 
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Posted by on January 21, 2011 in Creative Corner

 

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Fearless: Reflections of Life

I want to share a song that was another TEC theme song, this one for HV 61.  It kind of popped up in my radar of listening to music, so I decided to share!  This is the official video for “Fearless” by Building 429.

No I don’t understand
And I can’t comprehend
This power that draws me to you
But I know for the cross
I’ll consider it all lost
In an effort to tell of the truth

That the world may know
That the world may know
You have been heaven sent to us

(Chorus)
I’ll be fearless for You
I’ll be fearless for You
Take me I’m Yours
I’ll be fearless for You

All the times that I’ve failed
When my doubt has prevailed
These are the moments I’m giving to you
Cause I can’t be ashamed
No I can’t fear the pain
When it comes time to be living proof

So the world may see
That the captives are free
‘Cause you have been heaven sent to us

(Chorus)

Unwilling to bend
Unwilling to break
And Headstrong I’ll stand
No matter what it takes

(Chorus)

Fearless.  How is it that we can become fearless for God and all that He wants for us?  As I try to prepare myself for entering formation, I again am brought to think, and think lots.  Perhaps I ponder more than I should but it is how I am.  As the time draws near for me to leave, my heart pounds more and more with the desires that it holds.  That leads me to wonder if we can ever have everything that heart desires?  If we follow God and His plan for us, then won’t we have everything we need?  Deciphering what I am to do in this life I have here is a task that is difficult to complete.  In my life I have so called “failed” many times.  Be that in school, my health, or standing for who I am.  Looking back on my life, I need to be able to give those failed moments to God and pray that they leave me with but the lessons that I have learned.

So being proof to the world of God’s love for us.  How am I really supposed to be doing this in my life?  In recent one would say of me, entering formation with the Salesians Sisters in hopes of becoming one of them, a Daughter of Mary Help of Christians (FMA – the formal name/abbreviation).  When I first discovered this new found possibility, I was so ecstatic and excited more than most things I have ever felt in my life.  Religious life, living for God, ministering to the youth, the chance of doing retreats, and still staying connected to those I consider my family.  The thing is, is it what I really feel in my heart as the place I can be who I am supposed to be.  I know I am called to something greater and better but I can not tell if this is it or not.  Could this just be that I am waiting for some feeling that I want to have that tells me clear as day the path I am to choose?  Surely in my life does not give me clear answers, but rather has God meeting me in places such as the the 11th page of a Google search or the bathroom at a huge Catholic youth conference.  The consensus against many people, including myself, is that I just need to go into this and see what happens and what God tells me about this time I will be in formation, however long that is.

I can never understand what draws me to where I have been and where I go, the good and the bad.  I can only hope that the good things that God calls me too I will realize and step into with complete faith.  There are many things in my life that mean the world to me as well as are things that my life would be incomplete without.  How do I hold onto them?  I need to make sure I am balanced, unwilling to bend or break from the things that make me who I am.

So how do we go into the world demanding so much and following the one who made us?  “Do not be afraid” (Luke 1:30) of what is out there.  I need to be who I am and trust that God will show me His ways for me.  Community is a important part of me life, so I ask you all to pray for me as I pray for you (especially my TEC family and closest of friends).  With me, let’s strive to become one thing for God.  Fearless.

 

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Creative Writings Sparked by Salesian Possibilities in my Life!

I have decided repost some of my poems that show the passion and love that I had in me when I first learned of the Salesians.  The way I felt, the way I acted, the things that I wrote…all show so much as to what this is in my life.  It is good to revisit these works of art as a refreshment to my heart and soul what God has given me.  For each poem or lyric, I will give you the explanation of it before showing you it.  Also, there is a link to the original blog post for each one, so feel free to check it out and comment there.  There are more in-depth explanations in the original posts.  Remember, these are all my own personal works of art and I cherish them very much.

This is the first of two writings that came from my hands a night or two (do not recall exactly) after my visit with the Salesian Sisters/FMA over Thanksgiving.  It is a psalm entitled “You Call For Me.” (see post here)

You Call For Me

Lord, you call for me. Help me to listen and to follow You.

Lord, whatever You want.
However You want.
Whenever You want.
Wherever You want.
However much You want.

Lord, you call for me. Help me to listen and to follow You.

My heart is racing
My soul leaps for joy
Your love is in me
In Your arms I belong

Lord, you call for me. Help me to listen and to follow You.

To be Your hands and feet
A beacon of light for the world
To walk hand in hand with You
Filled with such passion and love

Lord, you call for me. Help me to listen and to follow You.

Never has a joy like this entered me
Like a streaming rush of water
A chance to fill an empty hole
To be Your servant, Your bride

Lord, you call for me. Help me to listen and to follow You.

Lord, whatever You want.
However You want.
Whenever You want.
Wherever You want.
However much You want.

Lord, you call for me. Help me to listen and to follow You. 

This is the second of two writings that came from my hands a night or two (do not recall exactly) after my visit with the Salesian Sisters/FMA over Thanksgiving.  It is a poem entitled “I Am Ready For You.” (see post here)

I Am Ready For You

Jeremiah 29:13 “When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart.”

Oh Lord I did not see
I was not searching as I should
Searching You with all my heart
Now I see that You were there
And in lack of giving all my heart
Blind I did stay, lost in the world
Here, though, a change occurred
I give You all my heart now
Take it and do with it as You please
I earnestly search for You
Actively waiting for Your call in my life
Take me where You will, protect me
You say You are waiting for me
I say I am ready for You, here I am

Here you will find a poem that was rattled out of me during my second visit to the sisters.  I now leave you to read a poem entitled “Vocation.” (see post here)

Vocation

It is not very quiet in her heart so full
There is this tug, this bit of a pull
Something calling to do a little more
Drawing her to see what is in store
Fear trembles from deep within
She has no idea where to begin
There was a visit to come and see
Leaving her now on bended knee
With all of this she is left to wander
Her friends give her much to ponder
In all the moments of her past
Maybe this is what will forever last

This poem I wrote a couple of days before I started my blog.   It was what gave the final push to have me start blogging.  Here is a poem entitled “Prayer: See Inward, See Outward.” (see post here)

Prayer: See Inward, See Outward

There is this deep longing
Something that burns deep within
I want to run out dancing
But where do I really begin
I close my eyes and start to see
This image of complete joy
A woman of God who is free
Her faith she wants to employ
Songs in the heart filled with love
A voice with much to speak
Sharing what came from above
God’s will is what she does seek
My eyes open again with hope
At what could be my mission
With fear I must certainly cope
With God I must share vision
The longing inside I do hold
Burns to be released for you
Dancing and singing so bold
Beginning to live I must do
With God in my beating heart
Showing all those who care
Eyes wide open I am a part
Beauty in faith is my prayer

 The day before I started this blog, this was the final, final push to get me to start.  This song to be is entitled “Lord, I Want To Be With You.” (see post here)

Lord, I Want To Be With You

Today I saw you walking in the street
Today you glanced in my direction
Today my hand was put into yours
Today words of wisdom were spoken

I am falling on my knees
Begging you Lord, please
Guide me in all that I do
Lord, I want to be with you

How did I not see you there before
Trying to guide me on your path
How could I have been so blind
You finally have reached into me

I am falling on my knees
Begging you Lord, please
Guide me in all that I do
Lord, I want to be with you

Take my hand and lead me on
Never let me stray from your side
Remind that I’m worth your time
Send me out worshiping and praising

I am falling on my knees
Begging you Lord, please
Guide me in all that I do
Lord, I want to be with you

With you, oh-oh-oh Lord, with you
Give me the strength and courage
It is only you I long to follow
So leave me here in prayer

I am falling on my knees
Begging you Lord, please
Guide me in all that I do
Lord, I want to be with you

Lord, I want to be with you
So take me into your will

 So there you have it, the beginning of my creative writings relating to religious life and my life landing in the Salesian spirituality.  There are others I have written in relation to this as well as the many that are yet to come, but these ones are at the beginning, the core of a spark that hit me at NCYC the weekend before thanksgiving. (Reminder: you can read more back story about each piece I wrote by click the link posted for each one!)  I can give thanks to God for all He has done for me especially now as I prepare for entering August 24th!  Isn’t it wonderful, I could become an FMA, a Daughter of Mary Help of Christians!

 

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A Visit to the Convent!

I was very lucky to be able to sneak away and go up the parkway to visit the Salesian Sisters this past weekend.  It was very good to be there again.  There was lots of work as well as lots of fun and the chance to meet one person who is entering with me then some others considering it.  The weekend was definitely packed full.

Friday I left right after work to head out for the weekend.  It was a long day of work then driving from 5:00pm to 7:40pm.  Uneventful as it was, it was so great to pull up to the convent.  I can not even say how great it was to see Sister Colleen again!  With her was Jen, someone else who has been in discernment.  From the start, we hit it off real well!  We certainly could not stop talking and it was amazing.  Sr. Colleen found me some food to eat since I have not eaten.  While finishing dinner, Jen and I were talking so much that Sr. Colleen and Brigette could not get us to help pick a movie to watch!  It was quite funny I must say.  It was finally decided that we would watch “Inkheart”  It was a very good movie, but at times we most definitely found ourselves distracted.  Soon after the movie had ended, another person came, Ericka.  She was a blast too!  Bed was in order, after we stopped chattering.

Saturday came.  Prayers that day were at 6:40.  It was very good to be in a place of prayer with many others with a common interest.  Prayer was followed by breakfast.  Of course, I drank some hot water.  The three of us visiting sat at a yellow round table and caused trouble.  Our morning consisted of setting things up for the next day.  The sisters were getting ready for the family day.  We put out table cloths, plates, cups, napkins, utensils, and flowers.  It was a lot of walking back and forth, but everything looked real nice.  Sister Kim told Sr. Colleen that we could go out and get lunch.  Her, Jen, Ericka, Brigette, Sr. Ramona (I hope I spelled that right!) and I all went out to this grill place down the round.  It was yummy.  I had a bacon cheeseburger (yay bacon!).  Jen and Ericka and I were causing so much trouble again, it was great fun!  After lunch, we were assigned to the pool room.  That was a disgusting place but when the three of us were done, it was amazing!  We celebrated by going and jumping on the trampoline and taking a dip in the pool!  I even got to have a set of keys to use, since we were on our own.  After booking it back to get changed, there were evening prayers, dinner, taboo, and music practice for the next day.  Jen and I both stayed up a bit, but did get to bed.

Sunday we did not have to be up at any particular time, only to be at mass at 11 for the beginning of the family day.  Those helping with music had to be there at 10 to warm up and such.  I was given Sr. Colleen’s phone and keys and waited to let the girls from Illinois into the house when they arrive.  Megan was the head of the crew coming; she came with Rebecca (who was back for a surprise visit) and three other girls coming to check it out.  When they arrived, I booked it back to mass, all I missed was up through the very beginning of the first reading.  After mass I went back and got the girls, and we went down to the lunch.  There was a lot of people there, but it was good.  I was glad to have finally seen Megan face to face.  In the gym there was a blow up jump thing and I helped out with it for 30 minutes, it was kind of fun.  After the whole thing was over, I helped Sr. Ramona with the food and the others helped clean up the lunch room.  When all was said and done, the five of them and I went up to jump on the trampoline and swim in the pool.  We ended up driving there but walking back.  Since prayers were on our own, when we got back we made dinner of french toast and scrambled omelets.  It was good.  We all took a stop at the small chapel to say prayers on our own of what we wanted to do.  Megan and I stayed up until 11pm talking and sharing stories.  I realized as I was sharing mine, I was beaming like crazy!  That was so reassuring to me.  Bed was much needed.  After some struggle to sleep, I finally dozed off.

Monday, another pack filled day only with prayers at 5:40 that time.  Prayers and breakfast as usual.  We did basically this: sorted through camp stuff, moved camp stuff, moved tables and chairs, and inventoried shirts of many colors.  I had a bit of a meltdown before lunch, but when after lunch was over I was still in the small chapel, Megan came and found me.  We talked for a little then she helped me get something to eat.  That girl is a sweetheart, we are going to get along.  In the afternoon I ended up napping for 45 min while the others helped Sister Marisole (I know I am spelling that one wrong) with some things in her classroom.  After that, it was time to jump on the trampoline and then swim for a brief moment in the pool.  Prayers and dinner follow per usual.  Sad part was when I had to leave right after dinner.

As I was driving home I was think of my life.  All the dots of things that have occurred have been starting to get connected by lines in my mind, leading up to the here and now.  This, I shall talk about later.  All I know is that this visit to see the sisters was the perfect thing for me, even if I left bumped and scratched and physically tired.  We worked hard, played hard, laughed hard, prayed hard, and bonded like crazy.

 
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Posted by on June 15, 2010 in Inner Reflection, Living Salesian

 

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Sharing Faith Until the Whole World Hears

Here is one of the latest songs from Casting Crowns.  If you go to the official website for the band you can find the info I am about to provide.  Here is what is said about the song and its info.  It is word for word from the band, as well as the lyrics, so please do not consider it from me.

The title track comes from my mentor in student ministry, Roger Glidewell. He always closed his e-mails with the phrase “until the whole world hears.” Our goal is to live our lives telling others about Jesus – until the whole world hears. John the Baptist was the voice crying out in the wilderness, eating grasshoppers, and speaking into the world about their sin. Speaking out in the wilderness is never popular, but in the body of Christ. we’ve got to do it in love. – Mark Hall

[“Until the Whole World Hears” also includes the voices of the congregation from Eagle’s Landing First Baptist Church, where Hall has served as Student Pastor for eight years.]

MARK HALL, BERNIE HERMS, JASON MCARTHUR, ROGER GLIDEWELL
Matthew 5:16 / Matthew 28:19-20 / Mark 16:15 / John 9:5 / Hebrews 13:20-22 / James 2:19 / John 1:1-42 / Matthew 24:14

Lord, I want to feel with Your heart
See the world through Your eyes
I want to be Your hands and feet
I want to live a life that leads

Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night
Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise

Until the whole world hears, Lord, we are calling out
Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we’re crying out
And as the day draws near, we’ll sing until the whole world hears

Lord, let Your sleeping giant rise
Catch the demons by surprise
Holy nations sanctify
Let this be our battle cry

Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night
Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise

Woah, woah, sing until the whole world hears
Woah, woah, sing until the whole world hears

I want to be Your hands and feet
I want to live a life that leads
To see You set the captive free
Until the whole world hears
And I pray the day will see
More of You and less of me
Lord, I want my life to be
The song You sing

Woah, woah, we’ll sing until the whole world hears
Woah, woah, we’ll sing until the whole world hears

Until the whole world hears.  This is what we should be striving for in life.  Spreading the faith until the whole world hears.  What a task to be lived each and everyday!  Wait, what?  You think you can not do it because you don’t do church work type things?  You are wrong.  We were commissioned to spread the news of Jesus Christ to the whole world and not stop until everyone hears.  Below is a passage from the Gospel of Matthew stating this Great Commission.

The eleven disciples proceeded to Galilee, to the mountain which Jesus had designated.  When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some were doubtful.  And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth.  Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.  – Matthew 28:16-20

In everything we do, everything we say, everything we think, in absolutely everything; we must spread our faith in ways that are suiting to what God is calling us to do.  God has a plan for each of us and within that is the call to share the faith until the whole world hears.  How many other forms can I put this in to make it clear!?

For me it may seem a little more cut and dry, but that does not mean it is an easy thing by any means.  God’s plan has now put me waiting to enter formation this August 24th.  I will be studying, praying, and all else in order that I might become a Daughter of Mary Help of Christians in approximately four years.  The Salesian Sisters just had this thing that drew me in.  Now, I have always prayed and hoped that I could be God’s hands and feet, seeing the world form His point of view in order that I may reach out where I am meant to reach.  The thing is, this is not how I thought I would be spreading faith until the whole world hears.  With that said, I am so excited.  What a better way to live my life but married to Christ doing His work that I have been commissioned to do!

I pledge that I am going to sing until the whole world hears.  In my love of music, my love of dance, my love of my faith and the fire within me I am going to give it all I have and pray that it is enough to satisfy God!  Will you go out and face the world with your faith like I am?  As a community we have the power to do many thing and catch those demons by surprise.

Watch out because I’ll share my faith until the whole world hears!

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2010 in Inner Reflection, Inspirational Music

 

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Let Go

The following song is called “Let Go” and it is by Barlow Girl.  We used this song during the teen retreat this past weekend and it came to my mind today with all that I have been dealing with and figuring out.

Yeah I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it’s bigger now
And I’m afraid You’ll let me down

But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?

[Chorus:]
‘Cause I’m about to let go
And live what I believe
I can’t do a thing now
But trust that You’ll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You’ve shown
Your plans are better than my own

And I know I won’t make it
If I do this all alone

Letting go, how fitting to me.  I am guessing that most of my friends are still shouting at me to let go of certain things in my life and I will, as soon as they are solved.  Even more than that I need to let go, we all need to let go.  We should do what we need to do  so that when God steps in, everything is in its place.

Everything is bigger now in my life.  The hard moments show what a bigger deal they are.  The great things God has planned for me are a big deal; I am no longer just a student making my way through school.  I used great courage to land myself all the way out in the point of New Jersey from my Midwest life in Minnesota.  It was all for the good to do the work I love to do.  Worth it?  Oh yes it has been.  Then I find myself having turned in an application to enter with the Salesian Sisters of Saint John Bosco, formally known as the Daughters of Mary Help of Christians.  Crazy!  My energy in the beginning of this part of the journey was astoundingly high.  Now, I find myself at a different level.

I still feel called to formation with the Salesians; I still know that if this is not where I end up, God must have a plan or I screwed up the plan.  There is yet a phone call to tell me what the outcome of my application is nor an e-mail in reply to what I told Sister Phyllis about my current status in life.  It makes me real nervous to not hear anything back.  Granted, this new info could change things a little, I must let go and let God take care of it.

It is hard.  What is “it?”  It is being really far away from friends, dealing with what is inside of me, balancing my work, taking care of myself, waiting for a response to my application, doing things I am not sure of, making a positive difference in people’s life (proper lack of comma use…Jessica) and so much more.  It is going to be hard, who said it would be easy?

We have got to let go and trust God will catch us.  No it will not just happen.  If it rains on the fields and we have not prepared them, nothing will happen.  We need to prepare ourselves for God and we do that by taking the right steps that allow Him to show himself to us.  Whether that is through taking the right path to solving problems or opening the doors to what may lay ahead, we need to do it.  For me, it is both finding the path to healing and keeping open the doors of possibility, all without getting discouraged.  Hard, yes.  Possible, yes.

Let go, God will help you if you just let go of the control.

 
 

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Picture Story

When my family was here at the point to visit me…

…Sister Colleen came to visit my family.  It was quite nerve-wrecking for some odd reason.  I am not exactly why it was this way, but it was.  It made me want to get out my nervous energy…

…of course there is no archery range that I know of around.  I do have to say, seeing Sister Colleen after so long was really good and it made me smile.  She caught me in the act of smiling while talking about religious life before going to meet the family.  I think I really could be a Salesian.  This might be close to the smile…

…but it does not equal it I am sure.  Once we showed up for the meeting of my family and what seems to be the rest of my life, everything seemed to go real well.  There was an odd feeling of wanting to be distracted.  All in all, the meeting went well.  Before this meeting, I forget to say, I turned in most my application.  Let me tell you…

…it makes you want to do crazy things when do turn in most the application for the rest of your life.  I am so excited and there is such an odd peace about doing this.  Of course at the same time, there is some chaos and nervousness with the whole thing.  I have many questions lurking…

…okay, not as slowly lurking as a turtle.  Really, there are fast paced and many the questions in my mind.  I have to learn to breath and reflect upon my life, realizing that questions are okay if they don’t consume me.  It is nice sometimes to curl up in the corner…

…and just smile and pray and be happy with the good things in life.  On the flip side, I have realized that is is good for me to have times of being goofy and full of energy.  If I don’t do that, who knows what will happen…

…and it could be very strange.  Don’t judge!  In the end of it all, balance is key to making sure I don’t drive myself up a wall, or anyone else for that matter.  Things have been rough in parts of my life, and I am ready to move and let it all go.  Of course it is going to me a climb…

…but it is going to be worth it in the end.  I can not wait until all my application gets in and I get the letter in return for acceptance (God-willing)!  Salesian Sisters of Saint John Bosco, here I come!  Daughters of Mary Help of Christians, you better watch out!  The FMA has never seen one like me! 🙂 Right…now I should go be weird somewhere else and clean, my room and my soul (constant cleaning I tell ya)!  Here goes the beginning of the rest of my life…

…and I am going to conquer it!  Just, you know, pray for me in that process!  I will be praying for all you too.  Peace!

 
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Posted by on April 6, 2010 in Inner Reflection, Photos

 

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