For some reason lately, the posts have been fewer and farther in-between. I think I may have come up with some ideas or theories on why that may be so. It is not that I don’t have much going on that is not deep and reflective nor is it that I don’t wish to share. The internal workings of myself have been on overdrive. I think more deeply and profoundly. I feel even great than I have before. I deal with much more than I may seem to. The reflective bit of me is here just much as it ever was and just as willing to share as it ever has been. What is the way I work is that I need to be comfortable in what I share and ready to put it into words that reach out, share, yet keep in private what must be kept as so. Religious life pushes one in a way they have never really been pushed. I can make al the comparisons in the world and such, but nothing with be like this, or even like what my past experiences have been, though they do play off of each other.
Tag Archives: feelings
As I sit here trying to figure out what is most in my heart at this moment, I am filled with an abundance of things of all extremes and am not sure where to begin. In general, these past some months since entering into formation with the Salesians on August 24th have been filled with ups and downs of all sorts. There have been so many tears cried as well as innumerable joys to follow. Of course there have been some frustrations and hurts, just because one is aiming to be a sister does not mean that will disappear. Just the same, since I feel God is calling me here, there are a great many joys to be celebrated as well. That being said, I am overwhelmed with a great many things in my heart.
I love the people of this house, but we are very different and it has been a learning experience in trying to live with them all. People come and go from our lives as well. This being spiritually, physically, mentally, any form. This has happen to me throughout the year, in all these forms. I am a person accustomed to change, so the adjustments were made in my life, and are still being made this day. With these things though, I feel there are some things I could never explain to people about how I am and who I am.
I am not sure where I am going with this post but to reflect once again on how deeply I feel things and the gift that it is from God if used correctly. Not many understand it, so for me it is hard when I need to talk. I try to let all of my creative juices here. I think I shall leave things at this, with the anticipation of the reflections that I have in my head to be posted soon.
Peace to you all, thanks for listening.
Some words enter my mind
Many feelings float about
Something very different
Seperated from the rest
And yet, can’t you see it
Connecting thread the same
One in the journey here
Where are you now going
It is forgotten, one thing
Being with others, community
Individual discernment, yes
With support, do not forget
Indeed we are different
Not to forget the same
Just relax, simply enjoy
We are in this together
Words are many, words are few
Words can take over you
We must watch what we say or do
For actions can show just as much too
Caring watchfulness is the game
Not putting down anyone’s name
We are not in the race for highest fame
We are all in base respects, the same
We need to be aware, both you and me
To all the things we hear and see
Not skim the surface or what is to be
Pay mind to every word or action is key
One can not begin to even fathom
The feelings that exists in some
When all is not listened to from
The person in which sincerity come
So please be mindful of each person’s soul
The things that fill their life’s bowl
For if we ignore then they feel not so full
We want to have unity, that is the goal
It is the morning, approximately 8:20, and I am staring at the floor of stuff that I need to pack to leave. So many things swarm my mind and my feelings are all over the place so much that I am not even sure if I am thinking or feeling anything at all. Packing puts me in a numb and sends me over the edge with emotion and frustration that things just don’t pack themselves. No, this is not attributed to the fact that I wait until the day before, or night, to get things in the bags that they are to travel in. It is more to the fact that me and packing is not exactly a good combination once we moved past the clothes and into the ordeals of sweatshirts into all the other little things. Starting earlier might help, you say? Well, that only adds to the craziness by reason of it sits there longer and I worry more about what I packed, how I packed it, and the list goes on. So, here I sit this morning staring at what needs to be done, what needs to go, and what needs to stay. I must make it work.
9:30 it now is. I have shower, found my ring under the couch, and there are still things to pack. My webcam has made a run for its life, so I may have to go without it. The deodorant has also gone missing and the new one it packed away in the deep confines of my suitcase to be checked. As the time draws near for me to leave, I fear so many things to go wrong, to not have done right, to have forgotten. All these I must wipe away and continue forth in what I believe God wants me to do.
The hour has rolled around, it is 10am and I believe everything is packed that can be. Photos will have to wait as they weigh more than I want to carry in my backpack. Those will have to come back after the Christmas holidays. As I lifted my suitcase, a fear settled that it may be over the 50 lbs that it must be under in order to not pay more than need be. That scares me as what can I take from there? It is all clothes any very little else. Now I must enlist my dad to lift the bag and get his opinion.
10:15 and it has been decided to go over to my grandparents to do the grand weighing of the bags. We shall see what will go and what will stay. This is very crazy, what I have to bring, what I want to bring, and what I can bring. Little do I know as to what I actually want to do with some stuff. I fear that there will be too much that I don’t need. I fear that there is not enough.
10:30 and my family is driving me nuts.
Okay, the time is now 10:50. I have just gotten off the phone with Jocelyn and it was good to hear her voice. I am guessing that now is the time that I should finish this post and sign off form this computer. Do not fear, I will be back. We get to stay connected online; there are community computers to use so that will be good. I have hit a semi loss for words moment and do not know what to say. Now shall be the time to go eat something and make sure I am set to go. Peace everyone. Please come visit my site often as I go through this journey!
It is going to be an adventure
Grand and sure
With God at my side
I can not hide
And it will be beautiful
And fill my soul
This is what I imagine next year will be like. It is going to be a beautiful experience no matter what may come of my courage to follow the call.
One of the things I have truly come to be able to name in my life is that I am a person that feels so deeply. This may appear as to be an odd statement, but it is true. When I feel something I really feel it more amplified than most, or so it appears to be that way. It seems to explain many things in my life, or at least help to explain. As I move forward to entering with the Salesians in hopes of living in vowed religious life, this is something I must explore and learn about more. I find this as a gift I have but if it is not watched it can be just the same something that causes self-destruction. (I have jokingly determined I will die of spontaneous combustion via feeling too deeply) Everything around me, the things I imagine, experiences had, music that I hear, the things I touch and feel, everything…It reaches my heart and soul; I feel it all so deeply inside of me. It is not constant and always, but every the same in me.
Deep feelings fill my entire being
They are strong and powerful
Needing to be watched over
Cared for in the most special way
This gift given to me unique
Fills me with this longing desire
To know the world and its people
To feel its broken heart beating
Is it possible to feel more than I do
Will this gift bring me to far places
I desire to understand it all
All the places God is in the world
These deep feelings that fill me
Strong in my heart and soul
Give me the courage to keep going
Discovering where God wants me
There are 78 days to go until I am to arrive for my first step in the convent as an aspirant. I can not tell you the amount of feelings and emotions that I have in me about this part of my life to come. It is a huge joy. It is something I have never imagined actually doing.
One of the things I have had the most difficulty with in the simplest way is about wearing the habit and veil. For the longest time the habit (for as long as I really knew what it was) has always intrigued me quite a bit. The thing is, I have not always been so sure I can see myself wearing it. To me, there is a great sense of peace to feeling the breeze run through my hair and on my bare skin. There are things like swimming at the lake at my grandparents cabin with my family, possibilities of others around. Of course, that time being a ways away, who know what ministry I will be doing and where things will take me. Yet still the habit does thoroughly intrigue me.
That being said, here is my point. I have had interactions with sisters, or see sisters often enough, that do not wear the habit. Watching them and thinking about where my life is headed, I try to decipher where I think I am in the thought of wearing a habit. My realization is that I am not sure I could live as a sister not wearing a habit. There nothing that separates them from everyone else as a wedding ring separates a married person. They do have a distinctive medal, but anyone can wear a medal. It is not that I am unappreciative of them in the choice their order has made, it just is not for me. Through trying to picture myself as a sister without a habit and veil, I have come to realize that maybe the habit and veil of the Salesians could be something I could wear.
78 days left to go!
Oh how I wish I could only describe
Feelings that run through my whole being
Longing, singing, dancing, wanting
The burning deep within trying to get out
If only I could be in a place to let it go
This fire that seems extremely mysterious
Unknown in me is much yet to discover
Why oh why can this I not explain
Turmoils run wildly all over good and bad
The past haunting, tiring it is to try to fix
Future, what is my future to bring me
Is religious life the journey I am to trod
Letting go of many things in this little life
Will I hold on to all that makes me
Love, oh to love and be loved forever
The desire to do so much always there
Blast that christian music out so very loud
Sing and dance like I have never done before
The want for more calls me constantly
How is it that I can not ignore all of this
This, what is this, this thing to calls me
It pains me to have to hold parts of me back
Ready to burst, full of passion and longing
On and on I could go until that moment comes
All will be as it should according to God above
But what am I to do now with this little life
I make myself little, hoping for big things
Nerves and questions run around my mind
Can great things really be planned for me
Am I going to be able to handle it all
The things that God has for me, is it true
Oh when will I be free once more
To live a life that is suited for just me
These words can not even begin to describe
All the feelings that live in my whole being
I am just waiting and waiting for the moment
The time will come when I can let myself loose