Having arrived back to New Jersey, I find that I am overwhelmed with so many things. Yet in my appearance, not many would even know so. Maybe this could be due to the way I am dealing with those things that do overwhelm me in some way, shape, or form. I am certainly most excited to be back here, there is no doubt about that. One of the girls asked me today, ” why are you smiling all the time?” Of course I responded with, “Why not?” It was not enough of an answer and I knew it, but I wanted to see what she would come up with next for me. “But really?” To that I did respond, “Because I am where I am supposed to be and I am happy.” It rolled right off my tonge and it felt good to say that.
That statement is such a relief in many ways, even though I am not sure how long before I will need another relief. Many things are sitting in me. There is tension, worry, fear, frustration. The thing to remember and work on is handing it all over. I may not see eye to eye with those I live with. I may be fighting a losing battle trying to make amends. I may do things in a different way and not always be understood. I may have a lot of other things like that in my life as well, but who is to say that I should let it get in my way. I see a lot of walls, hurdles, fences, pools, trees, wild animals, and so much more in my path that I travel. That cannot stop me from what I am striving to do, which is whatever God has willed for me in this life on earth. Yes, I am scared out of my mind sometimes and so very unsure when something gets in my way. What is key is placing it before the Father, the Son, the Spirit, Mary, and all the saints to whom I may implore.
I thought this year was tough, but next year may be just as tough for me. Formation is not supposed to be easy, it challenges a person and pushes them to fulfill something greater in them. The feeling of that greatness is in me, I can feel it. Getting there is so hard and there are many doubts along the way. Is this the right path? If so, why all these unneeded difficulties? I am here to discern through God’s will for me. Friends are good to make along the way, but sisters are what we really gain. This is a lesson I have learned a lot this past year. Friendships that blossom and friendships that fade away. Sisters though, are there no matter what. Whether they are the best friends of sisters or the ones that never talk, they are sisters and they are there just the same. Have I learned more? Yes, sure I have. Do I see myself very different from the rest? Yes, of course so. This is tough, this life is not easy but it is joyful. By golly, it makes me smile all the time even amidst the struggles.
So yes, I am excited to be back. It is not without its pains and fear, frustrations and trials. Even so, you will find that I am often joyful at this call though it all. You can’t hesitate at what you know is God’s will for you, even if you don’t think you can handle it.
So why then, in the end of it all, am I smiling all the time like an idiot? God must have me right where He wants me in life and I am enjoying as much of it as I can!
Mary, help me. Father, protect me. Jesus, transform me. Spirit, move me.