Today is another day. I walk from place to place looking around at my surroundings and all that fills the space of this place. How did I land where I am in life? What is it out there that is calling me deep in my heart and soul? Life has always just happened kind in a flow with out much need for thought, although I have always given it more thought that anyone ever could. Going to Saint Mary’s feel upon me in peer conversation of the decision. Heading to work with the Marianist was a discovering of Google searching. Desiring to explore the Salesians started with a meeting in a bathroom. Everything seems to fall into line with I need more rope to walk across the desert on.
As I laid in my bed last night listening to my Christian music, something was pulling at me inside. It was trying to go past my mind/thoughts, past the struggles I hold at home, past the frustrations that pop up around here. It was calling me deep inside to something more. So when I walk that place to place I try to picture life here, always. Am I not letting the greatness happen by spending much time in pondering on it? For my heart sang and danced for joy when the muisc played into my head. Everything of my mind says all of this is not possible, not even faith. Everything of my heart, soul, and being says this is it, God is there and he is watching out for me. So what is it that I feel called to that is so much greater than this world and how can I describe it to anyone else in such a way that they could fully understand? There are people here at the Salesians that I could surely voice this too or one of my two closest friends, no doubt there, but in what capacity? Would I be underminding what God has in mind for me?
This part of me feel like that of which is greatly planned for me is hindered constantly by surroundings that cause me to doubt and think of myself otherwise. I know that Satan will work through whatever means he can to get to those who are getting too close to God. Here is a quote from a book called Unbound: A Practical Guide to Deliverance by Neal Lozano.
[Satan] often walks through other people – those God intended to represent Him, such as parents and other caregivers. Those with primary responsibility of presenting the character of God to the next generation are Satan’s targets and prime agents. (34)
How true that is! Satan works in anyone that could cause you doubt, frustrations, and what have you; that could send you astray from God and what He wants for your life. So then, it could be possible that even in the best of people, like those that I live with now, Satan can be using them to bring me to doubt the vocation that God wants me in. Tell me so, isn’t that frustrating to be pushed out fromteh inside of what is so good and holy!? With this in mind, the fight now becomes staying on my feet admist everything that life throws me, wherever it is from. Then, how shall I discern what is of God and what is of Satan in what I am to do with my life. All the same at moments in the day can be my feelings of leaving or staying, both giving me satisfaction but also both putting me in disaray.
There is this other quote that hit me from the same book.
Lord Jesus, come and get me. Capture my heart with Your love. I do not have the strength of Jacob; give me the courage to ask for the freedom and blessings that are mine in Christ. Show me who I am and Your plan for my life, my identity and my destiny. Bless me so that I may be a blessing to others. (29)
The part that sticks out to me in all the turmoil that is within is the first line. “Lord Jesus, come and get me.” I need to pray that He will come and capture my heart. It is about all I can do. Pray pray pray. I ask once again, as always, that you will pray for me. In turn, I will pray for all of you who follow and read my blog. Peace and prayers. Trust, don’t overthink.