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My Heart’s Desires

06 Aug

Was it God’s plan to place my heart in a couple places

To have me feel deeply connected to all so strong

Never knowing if in all my body to place with the heart

Praying God has planned for all always in this life

After this past TEC weekend, I have been given a lot more things to think about and came across many realizations or re-realizations about myself.  My heart lays in more than one place. How can I take them all with me in my life actively?

One of which is the TEC program, especially at Riverbend TEC.  The RB TEC people are my family, a family that I cherish very much.  This retreat program has been so huge in my getting to where I am at.  It was even a part of the conversation that initially led me to go see the booth for the Salesians at NCYC.  Hearing from the vocations director, Sr. C., that she thinks is could still be a part of mlife as I go on is some comfort.  I do have to talk to the provincial about it, but at least there is some hope.  If it can not be in my life, I am not sure what I would do.  It sounds like me putting conditions on God’s plan, but it is honestly vital to my faith life, the experiences had.  I can not even being to explain the passion and love I feel when I am working a TEC retreat.

Another thing that I have felt particularly strong about is going through a retreat to have a training on being a Christian Clown.  There is a weekend that some people do that take us through how to do the make-up, selecting a name and a look (face and outfit).  This is something I have been really drawn too, but there has not been a chance for me to make a weekend yet.  I am hoping that I can do it the next time they have it!  For some reason is just intrigues me and I want so much to be a part of the community of people who do it!

I spent ten months in the most southern tip of New Jersey at a retreat center, lovingly called Mary’s House.  There is no way that I can never go back to the place!  I really hope that I get the chance to make it back a a place that has really helped to form me this past year.  It is hard, no doubt.

Then of course there is the upcoming entrance (18 Days!) into formation with the Salesians.  God was very funny in how He got me to this point, that is for sure.  I am really excited to enter, but as well very nervous.  There are the constant questions of whether or not I am making the right choice.  I really just need to go and see what happens and how I feel about being there.  It is a larger group, so we will see too how I handle that.  I do better in smaller groups, but maybe this is a lesson for me to learn.  It is not like I have never been in a larger group, but it can be uncomfortable sometimes for me.  The Salesians are wonderful from what I have seen thus far, and I get the chance to work with youth.  Hopefully as time goes on and if I stay, I will have the chance ot work in retreat work, a huge passion of mine and what I love most in life a lot of times (aside from those close friends).

My heart is many places, including with a couple of my really close friends, and I need to balance it.  Did God mean for me to have my heart in so many places?  AM I suppose to let go of somethings?  If so, what things do I let go of and what means the most to me?  I keep praying that I will be able to be involved in all of these things as they are really where I am supposed to keep my heart.

Into God’s hands I must give my heart’s desires

To be left in hope that all will actively live in me

These communities that have become my family

Ones that I pray God keeps me in for my whole life

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3 responses to “My Heart’s Desires

  1. Jen

    August 6, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    I too have wondered at the size of this group. I was in a unique grad school situation where we were tracked and always together in a very intense program. There were 10 of us together for 3 very long and challenging summers. I learned that 10 is just small and just big enough. It’s small enough where we got a lot of individual attention but large enough where we weren’t constantly on the spot. It was small enough to feel like a family but large enough where we didn’t get on each others nerves and diverse enough where there was always at least 1 other person who was sharing your struggles or your perceptions. Just food for thought!

     
  2. Elle

    August 12, 2010 at 2:35 am

    I too have asked this question of myself, both years ago and now in discernment. I think you have an idea of what happened with me, but I hope and pray discernment with others will be as revealing and formative for you as it has been for me thus far.

    Please tell me you get to keep blogging during your formation!? I love reading what other people who are discerning are thinking, feeling, and doing.

     
    • Ash

      August 12, 2010 at 11:23 am

      I do get to keep blogging and all that when I join!

       

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