Standing on the back steps, I look out to the sky. There is something in its beauty, with the breeze brushing by, that draws me to the mystery that surrounds us all. I am looking at history, millions of years of history staring back at me in this present moment. At that moment of connection, the history becomes now and the now looks to history for the future. Life lives in looking up to the sky. For me there has been always something beyond what we see in this beauty. While what we can can see may be as beautiful as any, even what one may say is ugly, there is another form of beauty in that beyond the physical sight. I was drawn to want more of what I was feeling in that moment. Everything that has been holding me down for a brief moment flew out of me and I was able to be right there in that moment looking beyond the moment to feel a presence calming me.
My whole life I have wanted more than what I was surrounded with. Sure, there have been some amazing moments that I will never let go, but there has been a drawing for something else. Now, with something that could potentially lead me to discovering that thing that I wish for even though I am not sure what I am being led to, I am being put to a challenge. Of course, I still have to make this official that I am to be entering and I understand not to be so set in something because it could change, but I have felt happier than ever. The smile runs across my face. When I was first talking to Jen and Elfie in the bathroom at NCYC, I had no idea where it would go. These two aspirants led me to this place in life I would have never thought I would be at. The feeling that went over me when I made the connection between what m life was then and where it could go was astounding. The same feeling I get when staring into the sky, walking in the bluffs, strolling the beach, and anything of that sort.
Today I sit here with conflicted increasing feelings. The more sure I get of trying out the path of religious life with the Salesians, the harder it gets and the more afraid I become. It is hard to be in a place now where interaction with my friends is none and the job, though I absolutely love it and the people I encounter, is not fulfilling me to what I know is out there somewhere to do so. Deep in me, when I close my eyes, I see someone beautiful. This person is truly happy, something I have not always been. This person is dancing and singing and loving. This person wanders in the wonder an awe of God’s creation, though humanity slowly takes it away. The person has the ability to stand in front of people and share herself with the world, the sorrows and trials, the joy and miracles, and this is something I never had the ability to do. I want this person to come out of me and be there, as God wants me there.
Life with the sisters is something I am beginning to feel is one of the few places that will allow me to e who I truly am an desire to be. Those that I have met and the little I know of them have already taught me so many things. There is this peaceful, caring, fun-loving feeling to being there with the sisters. No matter what God does with me in formation, it will be an experience that will bring out in me so much. I can not wait for the day I get my application finished and turned in and I hear back. God willing, I will enter into a world that is so amazing!
So when I looked to the sky tonight, I felt something. There was a hope that filled in me that no matter how hard things were, how hard they are now, or how hard they may be; will always be there when I look to the sky and the beauty that surrounds me. Stars glimmering, moon beaming, trees crackling, water crashing, breeze blowing, and whatever else may be bring me to learn so much. It is a reminder of all the things that have been forced into hiding that are ready to break loose! This moment brought me beyond the moment and I pray that God continues to reach me in this way. I also continue to pray that God leads me in ways that are pleasing to Him!