As time goes one, and I think even more about my future, I have learned a few things. One thing I am already familiar with; I am a very deep thinker. When it comes to big decisions, or even small trivial ones, I will weigh out absolutely everything about each thing that I could choose. This presents itself an issue at times. It leads me to asking just about every what if and any other question there could possible be asked. For example…
Do sisters go swimming? Can I swim at the lake in the summer with my family? (Keep in mind this is more of a question for FOUR years from now…)
Can I bring my books? movies? music?
How often do I get to see my friends?
What if I am completely wrong and heard God wrong…look at all this hoop-la I have created!?
What if what I believe in does not exist?
How do I handle doing this sister thing for the rest of my life?
Skirts…not always good for people like me when ungraceful, can I wear leggings (even colorful ones!) underneath?
Will I be able to go work TEC retreats or can I go work/participate in retreats at the Marianist Retreat Center?
Let me tell you, the list goes on and on and on forever. Somedays they are the same questions, somedays they are very much different. Most the time, they fly in and out of my mind. I do have to say, the one about swimming and about wearing random colored leggings underneath the habit or the uniform in formation are common questions in my mind. Is this weird that I am asking these things? No, I guess not, so I am told. Deep thinker, can one tell?
I love to write, poetry mostly. Every now and then you get a psalm out of me, or some lyrics. One of these days, a friend of mine (not sure which one yet) will get some music to them. It is there that what is in me pours out the best onto paper. Sometimes, as I have learn, things that I would nto have expected to come across pours from my entire being through my hands into words. I have learned to appreciate better the words I write. An artist is his/her biggest critic, but that artisit need to realize the beauty within themselves. God doesn’t make junk, and since that makes one not junk, nor is what they create.
Finally, as much as I freak out and worry and rethink my choice to go forward with entering into formation for religious life, I think I really want it in some deep level of my being. When the topic of religious life first came up, it did intrigue me quite a bit, but I paid no mind to its possibilities in my life. As it came up at other times, I do see now that I was never saying no, but I would get as close to it as possible. Me, a religious sister, you have to be kidding me, right? When that moment in the bathroom came, and two worlds collided, I was not sure what to think, but only to follow those two people who seemed to have what I wanted. Working with youth, nad furthermore retreats, then this underlying thought of religious life that sat in me! How in the world does this happen to me, bizzare ways of discovering things.
At some level, I was relieved. God gave me something to put on my chalkboard. I say chalkboard because I used to think that my level was a black void nothing that would lead no where that would be good. Instead, I see it now as a chalkboard that was slowly being wiped clean so that God could write His plans out for me to study so I can go take the ultimate test, living for Him!
I have learned, you need to be open and see the world for what it is in its simple beauty. You need to be open to the creativity that is within you. It is ok to question, but don’t let it consume you. Be who God made you as, so in essence, be you, who else could you be? God has a plan for me as you may have noticed, what is yours?